I was recently asked whether or not I purport that all relationships are “meant to be”,  regardless if the relationship is abusive. I don’t know about “meant to be” as those are not terms I use. What I do believe is if you meet someone, fall in love and make some type of commitment, you are partnered with just the right person. In our culture most of us believe the “right” person is someone we won’t have much conflict with and who we will live happily ever after with.  What I mean by “right” person is someone who will help us recreate the emotional environment we experienced growing up so that we can finally complete childhood. In other words, the “right” person is someone we will experience conflict with as conflict is growth and healing trying to occur, however, we must learn to do it differently.  Let me give you an example. If I grew up in a household with alcoholic parents and the way I coped as a child was to be codependent (ie, please people in an attempt to have them behave in a way that made me feel safe)  I will partner with someone who will help me recreate the emotional environment of my childhood home so that I can learn to set boundaries rather than be codependent. Make sense? So, if in my practice a couple comes in and one is alcoholic and the other codependent, I don’t tell the codependent to leave. I help them gain awareness of what they are doing that is getting in the way of what they want and make changes accordingly. If I were to tell the codependent to leave the relationship it would be a disservice to each of them and to the relationship. I would set up the dynamic that the alcohoic is “bad or wrong” and the other “good or right”, which I don’t believe in. What I tell clients is that it is not a matter of right/wrong, good/bad but rather behaviors that work and don’t work.  Also, I would rob the person with codependent traits of the opportunity to learn to set boundaries, so they would likely to go into their  next relationship with the same challenge.  Also, I rob the alcoholic of the growth opportunity their partner will give them when they set the boundaries around their self-destructive behaviours.  The partnership has all it needs to make the necessary changes. I just provide the safety, structure and just enought education for growth and healing to occur. I hope this making sense. All that said, I can say I did tell one couple it would be in their best interest to separate because of the danger of the physical violence in their relationship. It was a highly charged, volatile situation. If people come to me in the hopes I will tell their partner they are wrong or need to change, they are in for a surprise. I believe we all need to change in order to be in relationship. Not because we are bad but because often what we do gets in the way of what we want.   Stay tuned……